I hate soccer. No, I really hate soccer.

What do I hate about soccer? Thank You for asking.

I hate the fact that the net is the size of a 3 car garage, yet there are only 2 goals per game, if lucky.

I hate the celebrations. Terrell Owens pulls a sharpie out of his sock and people act like he wiped his ass with the constitution, yet a soccer player bites his team mate's dong and people laugh it off.

I hate the fact that people ooh and ahh with every shot taken, when a replay from another angle shows that it missed by 12 feet. Allow me to put this into perspective. Let's say that you are washing your car with the garden hose. The back bumper is especially filthy. You aim but miss and hit the left headlight. Not only are you as skilled as a soccer player, but you are as skilled as some of the world's best soccer players.

I hate the way time is kept in soccer. They play until the end of the half, but the half is not over because the referee has guestimated that ex number of minutes should be added because of the numerous delays during the match. When those minutes have elapsed, the half is still not over because one team is in the middle of a scoring chance, so the referee allows the play to continue, then whistles it dead at his discretion. Why not just play for 2 days. Game starts at sun up, and goes until sun down, at which point, the players adjourn to their hotel rooms for rest. The game resumes at sun up the next day and continues until sun down. In the event of a tie, the team captains participate in a potato sack race, from one goal line to the other.

I hate the corruption in soccer. Am I the only one that finds it odd that FIFA officials openly admit that the reason certain World Cup matches are held simultaneously is to avoid match fixing? Anyone? I guess it's just me.

I hate the diving. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate the fact that being slide tackled must hurt, but to flail around like a goldfish on the kitchen floor? Its obvious that the player is not severely injured. If he was, do you honestly believe that the club owners, who have tens of millions of dollars invested in these players, would allow the trainers to toss the player onto a stretcher and hustle him off of the field, without taking any precautions?

Did I say field? I meant pitch. Which brings me to my next point. I hate how snooty soccer fans are when correcting you about terminology. You don't see me getting all Simon Cowell when someone calls a football play, a run, when it is in fact, a draw, a sweep, a counter, off tackle, etc. etc.

Speaking of soccer fans, I hate how insecure they are about their beloved sport. I love football, (REAL football, not soccer football), but I can admit that there are issues that need to be addressed. Ronde Barber picks off a pass, uses the football as an ore to paddle his imaginary canoe and gets flagged for celebration? What the crap is that? Not soccer fans. Admitting that the sport has flaws is blasphemous. A 0-0 draw belies the fact that the match was filled with end to end action, and a 4-2 result is direct proof that the opinion that a soccer match is generally a scoreless snoozefest, is ludicrous.

Staying with the soccer fans. I hate the way they defend soccer from criticism by attacking other sports. Not enough scoring in Hockey, Football's pace is too slow and Baseball's boring, but soccer is all three and that seems to be just fine with them.

I hate how the World Cup is supposed to be this global event that unifies the planet. If soccer is able to create such a wonderful utopia, then why has there been considerably more violance, more hooliganism, and more killing in the name of soccer than all other sports on the planet, combined?

Gotta go, Beverley Hills 90210 is on.